You could shake your head with painful memories of large dollar amounts lost, and swear on a stack of Bibles that you’ll never again be foolish sufficient to engage in a shoot-out with the One-Armed Bandit, but who are you kidding? Maybe, with a little luck, you will be able to resist the call of the slot machine for a number of weeks, perhaps even a month or two. But you know damn well that you’ll be back for a rematch at some time. You can not just let that Bandit win so conveniently, can you? No way.

It is just a machine, in the end, with a “brain” comprised of wires and trusted online gambling agent microchips. You, on the flip side, are a living, breathing entity with the capacity for critical thinking and self-reflection. If humankind is to have any hope at all in surviving the global war against machines that surely will come some day, we would better at least be able to beat the slots. Think of the matter in this sort of sweeping historical context and you shall see that it is not simply a choice but an obligation for you to get back on the horse right away.

Before launching on your noble quest in defense of humanity, it will be wise to review some basic information and arm yourself with five crucial tips to success.

You might not know that the slot machine goes on different names in overseas nations. As an example, in the United Kingdom, it really is called a fruit machine (no jokes about British drag queens, please.) In Australia, the slot is known as a “poker machine,” which is much more confusing, but what can you expect from a culture that gives outdoor grills the name of just a little girl’s toy? (Let it sink in for a minute, you certainly will get it.)

Anyway, traditional American slot machines are coin-operated and contain three or more reels, which spin any time a lever on the side of the machine is pulled. The machines include a currency detector that validates the money inserted to play. The machine typically pays off based on patterns of symbols visible when the reels stop.

OK, enough for the description. In essence, onto those tips who were promised several paragraphs ago:

Become intimately acquainted with each slot machine’s payout schedule. Two identical slot machines will often have radically different payouts. This matters, people.

Look for advertised slot machines offering 96-98% paybacks. Most casinos usually have a number of banks or carousels of high percentage payback slots, and this is where you should play.

Join the casino players club wherever you gamble regularly. Casinos reward players for time and expense spent. Even if you don’t hit the jackpot, you might still receive comps like meals, discount hotel rooms, as well as other perks.

This certainly will be a no-brainer, but only play the slot machines you may afford and only spend money you can risk losing. Seriously.

Walk away when you are losing and become irritated. Playing slot machines is supposed to be an enjoyable pastime, not only a source of ulcer-inducing frustration. When it’s no longer fun, go get a drink and some fresh air.